What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
