So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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