I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
