I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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