i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
