Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
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Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
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Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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