Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
