Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Bring me that man meat
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
