the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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