So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
