I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
