Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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