You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
