Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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