Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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