how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
