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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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