my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i think my cat just said my name.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
