I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
