is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
