If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
