Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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