I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
