i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
