I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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