On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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