the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
