So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I can't put those talents on a resume
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
