Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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