She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
