Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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