She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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