For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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