I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
