I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
