I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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