I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
