i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
