I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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