Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
