Texts From Last Night

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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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  (203): When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you. http://tfl.nu/1g0q
  Replies (5) Good night (849) Bad night (2794)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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  (204): Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding. http://tfl.nu/e8lb
  Replies (19) Good night (1104) Bad night (5909)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have

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  (978): ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have http://tfl.nu/u3xa
  Replies (17) Good night (1219) Bad night (6009)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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  (804): My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am. http://tfl.nu/wlcl
  Replies (5) Good night (2771) Bad night (1407)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.

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  (570): Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad. http://tfl.nu/ox9m
  Replies (15) Good night (3124) Bad night (1550)
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  (347): View more from New York

  It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.

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  (347): It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency. http://tfl.nu/gkum
  Replies (8) Good night (2091) Bad night (907)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

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  (941): I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it. http://tfl.nu/6v2i
  Replies (13) Good night (1498) Bad night (2375)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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  (847): Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating. http://tfl.nu/al19
  Replies (10) Good night (2217) Bad night (585)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?

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  (267): There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn? http://tfl.nu/pvdb
  Replies (4) Good night (1391) Bad night (966)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.

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  (207): If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it. http://tfl.nu/bcke
  Replies (3) Good night (777) Bad night (479)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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  (319): I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy. http://tfl.nu/xw2e
  Replies (5) Good night (1345) Bad night (414)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.

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  (720): THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT. http://tfl.nu/chrb
  Replies (5) Good night (446) Bad night (735)
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.

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  (787): I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house. http://tfl.nu/o0ch
  Replies (1) Good night (652) Bad night (259)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.

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  (970): The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese. http://tfl.nu/ftp9
  Replies (4) Good night (446) Bad night (660)
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  (805): View more from California

  I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.

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  (805): I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses. http://tfl.nu/vuhx
  Replies (3) Good night (720) Bad night (475)

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