she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
