Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
