.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
