I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it was like eating out sand paper
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
