help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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