Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
