I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
