i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
