is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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