Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
