did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
