That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
