im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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