There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
