just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
