i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
