I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
