the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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