There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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